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Katie!

Katie, I want you in front of me this instant!

...yes ma?

Have you finished the bathroom?

(silence follows)

Have you finished!

Ma, please forgive me. There was a terrible bacon grease spill on the burner, it took all morning to scrub that...

Now Katie, I try to be patient with you. I give you every opportunity in the world that I never had. You have a roof over your head, food in you stomach, clothes... I never had clothes to wear at your age. I had to sell my body in the alley just to eat and buy a bottle to get me through the night. When I was your age I was still living behind the dumpster in that alley. Listen to me Katie, if I had known your boozer father was going to leave me when I was still pregnant with you in my belly, and stick me with the huge burden of raising you and your worthless brother and three sisters... Well, had I known, I never would have had you in the first place.

(silence)

Ma, can I go to school this year?

Now Katie...

Please ma, if you let me I promise to study hard. I swear to you I'll get good grades. I could learn...

Katie...

...I could learn to be a secretary in one of those fancy offices downtown, or I could become a great musician. I don't know what I would do, but I would be so good at it, I just know I would. Then I could take care of you ma, I would buy this place and we could live here together. We'll have money ma, and friends. Poor people like us have no friends. I know your body's broke ma, I would hire a cleaning girl while I was at work...

Katie, I want you to put those stupid ideas out of your fool head right now! Your sisters all went to school, look at them. Do they ever call, do they ever come by? Of course not, school is poison, it ruins your mind. Anyway, you're a pretty girl Katie, a little angular in the face, but boys fancy you, you don't need school. I want you to promise me you'll get a job down at Twinkies' Café when you turn 16 and find a man to take care of you so I don't have to worry about you no more, I want to hear you say it, you promise you'll marry someone with money.

But ma, I love Danny McGee...

Katie!

...I promise ma.

Good, now get in the bathroom and finish cleaning, and no more excuses, or wasting time talking about school. I want it done right, or you'll not sleep for the welts I put on you, do you hear me!

(the doorbell rings)

Katie, get the door! Get the door you lazy girl!

A 40-something man stands at the door, a strangely lumpy briefcase in hand, polished shoes, a shiny slate-gray pin striped suit and tie, with an electric cerulean dress shirt, matching face on his silver Seiko, and polarized Ray-Bans jauntily sported on his nose.

Hello, can I help you?

Katie! (ma yells from the bedroom) Who is it?

He's a salesman ma!

Ahem, well actually I'm...

Katie! Tell him to go away. We've already got one!

Oh, so you're Miss Katie. It's you I've come to see.

You'll have to leave mister, we don't need anything. (Katie starts to shut the door)

I'm not here to sell anything, I'm here to give you something.

If you're a cop, I don't know where my brother is, I haven't seen him in ages.

No, no, I'm not a cop. I want to give you something.

You've got the wrong house mister... by the look of it, you've got the wrong neighborhood too, but that's your problem. Hope your car don't look as nice as that watch you got on. You'd better watch yourself 'round here.

If you would just give me one moment of your time, I understand you're very busy, I have something to tell you that I believe you will want to hear.

I can't talk to you mister...

Katie! Did you get rid of the bastard?

No ma, he won't go away.

Tell him I'm calling the police right now!

Really, there is no need for that, I've been watching you for years and...

Oh my God, you're the one who's been watching...

I admit I slipped up a couple of times, you never were supposed to see me...

You're a talent scout, you want to make me famous, I knew I was special. I knew I would be discovered.

Well...

Come in, come right in. Please don't go, let me introduce you to ma.

(ma sits up in bed as they enter the room)

What the hell do you want?

Maa...

Hello, Mizz Patrone, let me introduce myself. My name is Mr. Veritas, Jake Veritas, and I'm here because your daughter is a very special person.

Really, Is that so... and how much are you proposin' to pay me for her be'in so special?

Maybe it will be easier if I just come out and show you.

Please do, but she aint cheap!

Maa...

Please mister Veritas, tell me, is it movies, or modeling, or do you want to make me a famous singer?

This is the brochure from the company I represent. You, Katie, left yourself three million dollars, plus 7.3% interest compounded annually in a diversified money market account, 43.2% of which we retain for operating expenses.

(the room falls silent)

Now that I have your attention, let me continue.

As you can plainly see from the brochure, I work for an agency called Happy Bird LLC, which engages in Next Life Planning. How it works is, a client secures our services for estate planning in order to leave money, properties, or some other inheritance for themselves in their next life.

As we like to say in the biz—‘You can't take it with you, but with Happy Bird, it will be waiting for you when you come back.’

So Mr. Veritas.

Please, call me Jake.

You're saying that some rich person left 3 million dollars...

With interest mind you.

...to my sweet Katie, and now I'm rich?

Technically, Mrs. Greenwick left the money to herself, which would be Katie in this life. She wanted to receive it at the age of 16, no sooner, no later.

Well then, did you hear that my lovely, darling, child. We're rich!

Mrs. Greenwick had several stipulations for herself, and left us, Happy Bird LLC, as executors of her estate until all criteria are met and Katie turns 18, at which time the full amount is to be transferred over to her.

What! I mean, surely there's some mistake. Katie would never want anyone but her dear mother to help her decide how to spend her newfound fortune. That would be, just, cruel—to Katie of course. She being so young and innocent and impressionable, she could never possibly face the responsibilities of so much wealth.

That is precisely what Mrs. Greenwick, um, Katie was aware of and that is why we are to educate her between her birthday next Tuesday at 3:14 PM Central Time, until she turns 18, at which point she will sign the papers to receive her inheritance, as soon as she legally changes her name to Gretchen Greenwick, of course. But let us not get ahead of ourselves. There are several matters of business I am here to conduct. As herald of reuniting Katie with her true place in life, I must also inform you Katie, that not everything went as planned. But first, these documents I'm carrying are notarized statements from Mrs. Greenwick, to herself. They are her letter of introduction and instructions handed down to you. Please take you time to read them thoroughly. (handing over a small sheaf of papers)

I'm sorry Mr. Veritas. I can't read all these big words.

Oh. Well, with your permission then, allow me... uhem...

Dear young self,

I'm taping this since my fingers don't work like they used to at your age. First, let me start by wishing you a happy sweet 16th birthday.

Now; Your name is Gretchen Greenwick, you're the only daughter of Midwest radio-broadcasting magnate Johan Ferraro Greenwick II, maybe you've heard of him? You married for love at the ripe age of 22, your first big mistake in life. You had two children, a daughter Gillian Greenwick and a son Gerald Greenwick, before you realized how worthless you husband was, and that your children took after him in every way.

You died sometime at the age of 83, very rich and alone. Get used to being alone, the rich have no friends. Only those who want something from you pretend to be your friends, but people are two faced, you'll learn that about people.

It is my wish for you that I retire at the age of 18 to a tropical paradise, on the sandy beaches of Belize. I've never been there, but this nice realtor sold me a very lovely estate there for you. You've seen all the photos of it, I'm sure I'll love it.

I've arranged, with all the details planned, a reasonable sum that will support you in comfort for your whole life, entirely from investment interest. Never touch the principal dear, never touch the principal. I would have left you a bit more, but those greedy penny mongers at Happy Bird charge a fortune for their services, we must pay for what we want dear, it's the one law in this life that never fails.

Oh young girl, I have so many things to tell you, so many secrets to share, and so little time to prepare.

I have secured a position with the finest private school in Vermont for you, and prepared a class list. You'll want to brush up on your Spanish for instance. Some basic accounting will come in handy too, of that I'm sure. You may want to travel some, get your feet wet, by all means do. There is no greater thing to expand your horizons. It's a small world, you'll see. Might I suggest Italy or Turkey to start. Lovely people, but avoid the French like the devil, it wont be hard, they have no use for us either. What ever you do, the money will always be there, if you don't touch the principal, only spend interest no matter how tight things seem at the moment. When you're older, you'll see the wisdom in my words. Until then, trust yourself, trust me to guide you down the right path.

I have prepared another list, a few things I expect of you. You must take your name back, of course. It is a name of position, fitting of one of our stature. Also, never wear pink, I hate pink. It gives me a headache.

Oh my, I find I'm writing the list all over again. My medication must be affecting me.

Well sweet girl, happy birthday. I know you must be as happy as I to get another chance at life again the way its meant to be lived. Learn all that I've passed along for your benefit, and we'll be happy forever.

Oh yes, if you see that fast talker Jake, thank him for me, will you. An opportunity like this doesn't cross your path every day you know.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Gretchen Penelope Greenwick

(silence follows...)

Well then, now that we've concluded that piece of work. Katie, I'm most regretful to tell you that after you passed away, your children...

Children?

Yes, your children, daughter Gillian age 37, and son Gerald 28, proceeded to sue Happy Bird LLC, towards the entire sum of your good fortune. Of course we at Happy Bird secured a psychiatric letter of evaluation stating you were 'sound of mind', as you may recall? No? Of course not, in anticipation of such action, which was pivotal to our eventual success in court.

Then you won!

Oh yes, we won. It was determined that you, Mrs. Greenwick were in her, um, your right mind at the time of finalizing her estate plans, and as, and I quote, 'bizarre as her decision might be', it was legal and binding.

Oh my God, for a minute I thought...

However, because of lawyer and court fees over the course of seven years, including one mis-trial, of which topic I would like to avoid at such a happy occasion as this, and because of the extensive expenses accrued for specialists in the fields of psychiatry, genetics, quantum physics, estate law and metaphysics, to name a few, and because of the radically fluctuating stock market, largely due to the inclusion of the Greens as a third presidential party, I'm quite certain. The total sum of your estate minus 43.2% of the projected interest rate on the original amount for Happy Bird's operating expenses, as well as 12% of the overall fees accrued in court, as you agreed on, for our brokerage stipend, on contingency of this occurrence when you signed the contracts...( deep breath)...You are now left with the grand amount of 28,000 dollars that you'll receive upon your 18th birthday, after you legally change your name to Gre...

What! There must be some mistake?

I assure you, we've checked and triple checked all of our figures, there is no mistake. Here is a full financial accounting of all services secured and fees incurred.

You can't just waltz in here Mr. Veritas, promise me riches and glory for the rest of my life, then tell me that I lost it all in a court battle to my children, children I didn't even know I had.

You actually won the court battle. Which, I might add, was precedent-setting in the annals of the American judicial system.

You call that winning?

I was afraid you might react this way, that is why I waited to give you the bad news until last, but I'm a man of business and this is how it goes sometimes.

There's more, no, no, I can't take anymore.

I must.

No!

Really, it's my responsibility as a professional to inform you that, with today's liberal social-economic climate, upon securing your inheritance, you may expect an immediate federal taxation of 68%, leaving you with 8,960 dollars, approximately. If you'll excuse me, I'll leave you now to make your plans until after your 16th birthday, when we can start meeting your various criteria for inheritance, and Katie...

...yes.

Happy Birthday.

Good day Miss Katie, good day Mizz Patrone.